Wednesday, February 18, 2009

of future dreams

What I'm listening to: Otsuka Ai -- Planetarium

Lately, I've been doing some thinking.
To think about it, it's been almost three years since I last got together with my big brother and his wife, who's now Americans. Time flies so fast.... And now I'm already 17, and everybody's been asking me what I wanted to do in the future, for life.

I know, lightning-fast, it will be all in front of my eyes: final examinations, the graduation... and real life. I must accept the fact that I slowly became a grown-up. Since I was 14, I wanted to become a fashion designer. I was so sure, that was what I wanted to do for living. I quickly took extra courses of sewing and studied a lot about fashion, even to the point of buying magazines like VOGUE (which costs so much, and I ended up buying those that on sale). I loved it in every way... I spent my days at school drawing fashion illustration. I talked about it all day with my friends that shared same interest.

But then again, now, my eyes slowly opened and I realized that adult world isn't as clean as I thought. I know the fashion world is so glamorous and shiny, that it can outshine my old innocent self. I don't know whether I can survive in a world like that. To think about it, it's not just fashion --- when we're grown up, things around us suddenly become real and painful.

I really didn't have a plan on which university I want to attend. I just wanted to study in a good place, meeting new people and experience living in another side of the world. When I think about it now, I thought that was a little bit egoistic of me.... Besides the fact that using my parents' money always make me feel guilty, I also think about how they will feel lonely when I'm not around. Just like how I feel right now.

It's just three of us in this big house, and it's already very quiet. If I leave, then it's just two of them.... Even if my second brother's in town, but still, with his business and wife, he can't be around too much.

My friend Anjela once said, that she wanted to take up fashion in Singapore too. But she didn't want to be a big designer, and leave the house for too long or too far. She's the smallest girl in her family, and everybody loves her, so she didn't want to. I couldn't understand her that time, but now I kind of understand.... She said, don't care on how you're happy with your career, if you're alone, then it all means nothing.

If I take up fashion, it would mean I have to go to a very far place for study. Is that good? Or not? Actually, in this life, what do we have to go after for? Is it career? Or is it family? If I give up my dream and career, would it mean that I lose the battle? Is there any battle to begin with?

Romance of Three Kingdom's Overture said, that "Life is like a dream, why must you try that hard?"
Similar to Buddhist saying, "Life is empty. Everything in life is also empty. Empty is full, full is empty."
But! If we live our life that way, then why should we live?

My dad said, we cannot translate it literally.... Those sayings just want us not to be greedy, and relax with our life a little bit more.

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